Confessions of a confused mind..

Ya know it used to be that Monday through Friday was work, work, work, and then finally the weekend would come and it was time to chill and relax.But now weekends seem busier than ever. I really feel like this little guy..



Hey c'mon I need a break.. Just to think whats going on around me.. Talking to my prof yesterday I see my dreams of spending time sleeping and relaxing during the shaastra fading away. meeting the dead deadlines which i never fix.. Keeping up promises which i never make.. Troubling people whom i really like..Whats going on..? Who is this ..? And why is he doing this..? I don't know.. What difference does it makes to any one..

???...??...

Trivial? Obvious? I don’t know. It’s actually bothering me.

What are my axioms now? Which one should I follow? ^3 ..

whatever?

Who knows..

CraZy NiTeOutS..

These niteouts are really driving me nuts.. but there's nothing much you can do about it when you are least prepared for the quizzes which is going to start 2 days from now.. Sleep deprevation is a funny thing. You can cope on four hours sleep per night. You can cope better in the day time when the sun is up. You can cope at 4am when you convince yourself that morning is just around the corner. The time that is hardest to adjust to, the time it makes your eyes sting and your body heavy, is the wee hours of the night. These are the hours when everyone is sleeping or mugging( talking about my muggu friends) and the LAN has been shutdown. These are the hours when you start calculating the sleep gained the day before and planning intervals of sleep for the following day in hope of some how sqeezing another 45 minutes sleep out of some where. So What am I Doing is to keep myself awake.. PEPSI.. Ya that's the thing which is keeping me up from crashing. Don't ask me how? I have no practical demonstrations other than me to show up. But truly this seems to be my new addiction for this month. I mean it had been only 9 days this month and u can see 14 blue tin cans scattered all over my place.. and still "ye dil mange more.." But coming back to sleep deprivation, the worst thing that can happen to you is being caught by the prof's twice for dozing off in the middle of class sitting in first bench in a single day..

The 8 R F Game...

I have been tagged! I have been tagged.

Smilee tagged me and here I am… eight random facts about me.

# I am an ambivert!! I need to really know a person before I trust him/her, but sometimes I just hit it off really well even without knowing them. In college when I took this test, I scored very marginal marks, one point less, and I would be considered an introvert!!

# I hate tea n coffee. I don’t know why but I never got myself to like this one, no matter what people do. I usually get irritated after drinking tea!!…worse…I feel sick for a couple of hours afterwards!

# I love cooking. No matter what i cook or how it tastes.. I always enjoy doing that..

# I hate Chemistry. I hate chemistry. I HATE CHEMISTRY... and all those prof's who teach chemistry..

# I am addicted to Gaming or u can call me an Gaming Freak. Just one thing i can't live without.. No matter what happens, I have to game almost everyday.. Few friends helping me to overcome this addiction but i think they...

# Smile that come easily to me and I don’t make any efforts to hide it. Many people comment me on that.. But wait.. Whats wrong with that until unless something happens like this.. I mean once we were off to a funeral (Hopes Dad's not angry on this) and after coming back home. Dad asks me " Whats so funny out there that made you smile throughout the ceremony."

# I am very possessive about things..

# I always think I got some psychic powers right from the days I started going to school.. hey C'mon now you don't have to laugh on this.

Finally its over..

enjoy :)

Busy Weekend Ahead..

Got up late after our late night out last night at mandak. After breakfast, we caught Kaspy on the way back to hostel. It added a bunch of new info that our PMT prof has already put up the study material in web for this Weekend. After going through the material I wondered how he had managed to teach all that in just three hours. And assignments..?? Hey c'mon it's just been a week since college started. Ok I've got some more on the subject of stress and strain. It will be done soon, it's taking up head space so I need to pack it up, digest and free my mind from it as soon as possible. Coz I want atleast one day in a week to spend some time with the God and my people.

Do we really need someone to care for..?

Yesterday was an extremely busy day. We had so many activities that I even found no time to dream. Immediately after the lecture we went to the library. After that around 11:30 p.m. I had a surprisingly but a sweet conversation with my friend and that took me completely.. I think and truly believe that everybody needs someone, sometime.. No matter how independent I might seem, even I need that special someone sometime, and I’m sure everyone has the same thing… we need to be with someone, and maybe that’s how we are all programme.. No Wonder.. No Surprise on that.. After reaching hostel I thought of spending some time on comp and there I slip again. . The last time I had my eyes off the screen was when the clock showed 3:30 a.m. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I don't know what was happening to me.. Though I was trying to turn myself off there were many programs still running.. I couldn't terminate them.. I could feel the flow of heat inside my head.. May be this is all because I have been thinking too much these days without proper sleep.. I was sensing disappointments for myself once again.. It was not as usual acads i was thinking of but something more than that.. Finally I felt the need to make things efficient.. So just walked out of my room, drank a glass of water and sitting on the grass outside my hostel started staring at the clouds... I just wished when the sun would rise up and the day gonna start..

I want You to want Me..

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Ill shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.
Ill shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin?

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.

letter to my heart.

Dear heart,
What exactly is wrong with you these days? An issue is solved, now you are fighting your own war again over another. It doesn’t make me feel good that you are behaving this way. You are now beyond my control. I could feel your disappointment, your distress and something else which I really couldn’t comprehend. I’m sorry what you’ve been going through. I know it’s my mistake. Even I’m amazed of how quickly I was able to transit myself to where I’m standing now. Nothing I could have ever imagined. I had no idea what happened to me. I’ve lost track of my emotions and it feels too unreal. However, I have to constantly remind myself to face reality. Reality that I know will torment us, leaving clouds in this head, not knowing what to do for this position is all too new to me. It’s a learning process thus getting hurt is unavoidable. You have to agree with me that fate sometimes do step in at the wrong time. I know it’s hard to give up things that you really love to do. But in a situation like this where we have no choice left, we have to make a sacrifice and it’s the right time to prove this world what we are capable of. So keep hanging on, I know you are strong enough to cross the hurdle. We’ll go through it together. Just don’t break on me.
Love always,
Aman

This is my house..

Bang! Bang!

How did I missed this one. After reading my friends blogs namely “Bang” and “Bang ! again”, I couldn’t stop myself from writing this one. I don’t have to say that you have to read “Bang” and “Bang! again” before preceeding with this coz its totally different, but still you can always check them out. You’ll find much more than a bang in this. So get ready for this one. Here it goes..

22-06-2007

As usual I got up listening to my mom wiggings. No surprise it happens everyday and I got accustomed to it. So what I have planed for today? Lemme see.. Hmm.. I remembered that I have to visit railway station and book tickets for my journey along with two other chaps. But it’s already 10:00 am and I remember I had given them a word that I’ll be waiting for them at sharp 10 o’clock near the booking counter. “My God they gonna kill me for this”, I uttered and rushed to the wash basin. In 5 minutes I was ready and about to leave. My mom was puzzled. Where are you going , she asked. “Going to chennai ma Sham tak wapas aajaunga”, I screamed. I don’t know what sense it makes but she unedrstood that I wont be troubling her till evening. It was 10:20 am and I m standing at the Bus stop, luckily the sky was clear and there was no signs of rain. After waiting for 10 long minutes I got a bus and reached station at 11:00 am . I was planning what excuse I should make before them. But what a surprise both the idiot’s havent turned up yet. So now its my turn to blast them off. Finally they arrive at 11:10 am. They looked puzzled and afraid after seeing the big evil grin on my face. But I left them for this time. So after booking our tickets I went to one of the chaps house and had my lunch there. Then we planned for a movie and after the movie… oooooohhh now I think I m making it too long . You people must be really waiting for some action right. So here it goes. It was 06:00 pm in the evening I was on my way back to home. I boadred bus no. 38D from RTC complex. I couldn’t get a seat and was standing. After few stops the bus was fully packed and I was mobbed by the croud. I was thinking it would have been better if I would have waited for few more minutes and boarded some other bus. Suddenly I felt something slipping away from my pocket and Yes it was my wallet. I turned back quicky and saw a guy moving away with it. Hey! I screamed out, throwing my hand onto his face and bang !. I shouted again, “ catch him”. Then in a hurry to escape he dropped my wallet. But he was not so lucky a sardar uncle sitting next to the door seat caught him and here I go again Bang! on to his face. And I knew this one was going to make him go down. Then a slap from sardar’s hand straight onto his face and he’s down on knees. Finally sardar caught hold of his collar and shouted, “stop the bus.”. The bus came to halt and he dragged him out of the bus and again he goes one more slap.. “Don’t leave him”, “ Aise logon ko to..”, “ police yame chestadi kottandi salae gadini..” people screamed. The scoundrel started crying and falls onto sardar legs. But the infuriated sardar kicks him and the junta arround also starts beating him up. In the mean while I collect my wallet. After some time someone from the croud says “ Stop beating him, he had enough for today” . “ Ya leave him now, its enough ” , I said after seeing the scoundrel bleeding from his nose. Finally the scoundrel turned back and went his way. Every one got back into the bus and the bus started. I thanked the Sardar for his help and others. One stop before mine, the sardar got down after that my stop arrived and I was down . Firstly I felt good and heroic for what myself and others have done, but later I felt pity on that man. But in the end that’s what he deserved, I thought. I mean at least now he’ll think twice before doing something wrong. And sardar ji se panga kabhi nahi. tauba tauba.. Talking about human reflexes I say they are always unpredictable. I mean I have never beaten some person like that before. But had an experience of a punch in school drama. Belive me it hurt lot more than you think. And I’m not joking..

As time pass by..

When I was very young, I expressed myself perfectly and I was a success machine. If I wanted a toy or something, I used to grab it and not leave until my dad pays for it. It was so simple. I used to get whatever I wanted. If I were sad, I cried. If I were angry, I showed it immediately and minutes later I used to forget everything. And now as I grow older, I am told to stop crying, stop playing around, stop getting angry. C'mon what is it..? Does it sounds euphoric to you? Not to me,It just sounds like a recipe for disaster. Gradually what all we do is hide our emotions and the anger gets bottled up, sadness builds, and our childlike playfulness dwindles away.. So how do I live this life..?? Now when I get angry I often break objects and feel bad about it later or I punch the wall so hard that I end up hurting myself. What can we do now to combat this situation.? We can do nothing..! The time has gone.. Belive it or not nobody can bring back such glorious days. I remember a time when I used to hugg everyone, when I laughed atleast once every day until I cried, when I used to climb trees and looked up at the clouds, When everything looked new to these eyes, when I loved people unconditionally.. And now everything has changed.. My behaviour towards others, my skills, my hobbies, my interests n everything.. My own happiness is the one thing that always comes to my mind when i think about whats important to me in this world. I know there are many other things like money,food,love, sucess but still if you are unhappy whats the use of having all these stufff..? I still don't know why I m scribbling all these things or what I actually want to convey through this. But We have to start searching for all those feelings because life has so much to offer and we don't wanna loose anything..
ciao..

I’m nobody, who are you?

To all you people who don't know me and don't want to read long- winded stuff, here are two words : Struggling #*7^%$..

And If you are still with me then here we go :

This is a personal blog. It doesn't reflects much about my past, present n future, in fact - it is a cracked and dusty mirror that gives some idea about me and whats happening in my life.. May it be a surprisingly stunning event or may it be my most embarrassing moment.. I'll try to include all in them when ever I get time.. or got nothing to do.. I enjoy the good things in life..

Here are some funny facts about me..

1. I believe in God, and our monkey ancestors.
2. I love to make new friends
3. I am really attracted to things dat are different or unique.
4. I am too moody.

5. I am....

<~ Ex-Convict ~>

Ha Ha Ha..!! Thats how even a 6yr old kid was sounding after seeing my avtar. Yes I did it. I got a Haircut. I know you'll also start laughing looking at my situation. I mean its like a living nightmare to me and whats make this an earth - shattering event is that you can't do a thing about it. Ahh, it sucks when everyone around you got nothing to talk and starts off about how your hair looks. I mean I know it looks odd. You don't have to remind me again and again. Why..? Why on earth i said that. I thought short hair would be fine but never expected that this will bring up such a change in my look. It's too short.. too choppy... too off balance... all too wrong.!! I mean once those scissors have sliced through your hair even crazy glue can't re-attach it and it happens when u least expect it usually right before some important event. I wish i could turn back the clock and bring back my hair. And who can miss those awesome comments.. I mean some said you look like an Army personnel.. Some openly said you look like a buffoon.. But apart from all these statements check this ultimate comment by my best buddy he says,"Hey !! Aman.. Nice ex-convict look.. Really suits you man." Aaaaahhhh..! I screamed. I wished I had a trimmer in my hand and i could have shave it all off my head atleast i wouldn't have to face these type of comments. Hey a bad hair cut can really ruin a long string of days. All I do now is keep consoling myself saying my hair will recover soon despite how bad it looks now. what more I can do now. Getting laugh at my situation.. Haan haan khoob has lo. But remember Now or later everyone has to go through time like these so when its your turn I'll be always there to make fun.. He He..

Man, Do I need a haircut..?

Dropping by the barbershop has been on my priority to-do list for over a month now, and I simply haven't had time to actually do it. What annoys me the most are my sideburns. With these sideburns and this length of hair, I agree I look like a darn hippie from the 70's who's lost in time.I went through this stage before when I chose to try out having longer hair not the hardrocker wannabe style but more like simple straight hair hanging above your shoulders, and after a period of looking weird and out-wearing caps it actually looked pretty good, although my friends thought I looked scary sometimes. I don't see what's wrong with a boy having long hair. Parents keep on bugging me saying, try to learn that people will always judge you by the way you look no matter what. But i completely disagree with that. May be for the first look it works but later on you know what really matters. C'mon people! Grow up!!!! Its a torture when parents abuse their children to the point where they are so damaged and hurt that they have a difficult time functioning and end up harming themselves. But still I m not like that. And as God has said in his commandments "Honour your Father and Mother so that you may live long on land". I have to obey their words and if my plans go as planned, which they rarely do, then I should be passing by the barbershop this afternoon and have my hair cut..

U call me crazy.. think again..??

Woah! This would be soo nice to have at home :-)

History of video games.

Come with me for a walk down Memory Lane and get all nostalgic as you see some good ol’ classic games as well as some recent titles.

A True Story..

I used to play Counter-Strike. It use to be what i did most, this was until a few weeks ago. So much time and effort. Hours upon hours of so called enjoyment. So much so that the maps began to feel like a room around me. Almost as if i would enter another world and for some reason brought me a temporary euphoria. Everyone told me I was crazy, some even said it was if it were a cult. Yet, its not possible to explain why i would play. I remember myself patiently waiting behind the wall waiting them to arrive and fire my shots bang into their head. I can't forget those beautiful maps, breaking through passages searching for the site to plant my bomb and to say, "Bomb has been planted". I loved throwing off grenades & rattling with AK-47. I always use to say one thing about the game -Think Fast, Act Right Or DIE HARD.. I never knew what I was up to.. I trained my self for hours to survive, to become the Best and to become untraceable. I was devoted... devoted to gaming on LAN. I was fighting for one dream - to conquer CS1.6 on LAN and to claim revenge. And now I quit this never ending game. Although this of which you just read is barely a fragment of countless hours spent time throwing away.. However what bothers me is the question many brought up. Did Counter-Strike actually cause me any harm? or was it just an excuse to get away.. get away from reality.. and simply throw myself into a world that does not exist. A world with no effect on reality and yet consumed so much of it in the end. I began playing with the thought that it was just a dumb game but the problem lies when the game takes over. The game becomes who you are and all you do is play. The more you win, the more the game wins and a hobby turns into a habit.. The habit then becomes an obsession so compelling that you eventually spend more time on the game than you sleep. This was the story in my case and now I m moving on. The story is over and finally for me, the game has lost..Wondering who am I..? I m " The Rid3r ".